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Post by Nature's Fury on Sept 21, 2003 1:14:37 GMT -5
Of all things... I don't think I've posted this poem... this is my baby, the thing that got me into writing in the first place... I wrote it in seventh grade... wow... I feel old now...
Nightfall
Though the sun has gone down, the last daylight lingers Like a lonely creature too far away from the home to survive for long. A light mist fills the crisp, cool air. It mingles with the heavy scent of the flowers, which which have the exotic perfume of bananas.
One last bird calls in the night, and a squirrel rustles the leaves of a tree. They are the few sounds of day still unsurrendering. An apple falls from the tree with a crash, and the bird is quiet. Night’s serenety sets in, and peace descends.
Venus is rising, shining, glowing, a beautiful diamond on a silver necklace against a blue velvet dress. Mars too is risen, a ruby on night’s dainty finger. Watching, I see streaks of red flame across the sky. Within ten minutes, five have gone by, five wishes slipping away into the night.
It is suprisingly clear, with not a cloud in the velvet purple sky. Not even a whisper of wind moves through the starry sky, and the night itself seems to hold its breath. In what? I wonder. Anticipation? Fear? The stillness is unnerving.
The darkness finally swallows the treetops, and everything settles down for a quiet sleep. All is silent, and it is cold. The moon has not yet risen her pretty head, and tranquility grasps hold of the night.
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Post by geneva on Sept 21, 2003 15:14:04 GMT -5
i love the planets as night's jewelry bit...
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Post by AZERTY on Sept 21, 2003 21:06:16 GMT -5
very good... but I would suggest using something like that as the beggining of a short story instead. To me a poem has to rhyme... (except if its for French class). I know others will argue that a poem is supposed to be about how it makes a person feel rather than the actual composition of the poem, but I would argue that the purpose of the modern short story is to do that instead. A Modern short story (I specify modern so that it is not to confused with the Childrens short story or the old short story, whose point was to tell a story or to illustrate a point) should be centred on making the reader feel a certain emotion, much like a modern poem should (Do you see a pattern with modern literature?). The difference is a poem should also make use of a rhyming pattern or a cadence.... However, I must still congradulate you on the poem, because there are many modern poets who write in that same style, so your poem in society's view is very good. I just happen to prefer poems with rhymes or with a cadence.
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Post by AZERTY on Sept 21, 2003 21:08:07 GMT -5
Whew, I feel like I just wrote, then reread a French paper criticizing the flaws of modern literature... That was a long paragrpah... Btw I would like to repeat myself, its modern poetry style I dont like, nopt your poem
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Post by Archagon on Sept 21, 2003 21:11:26 GMT -5
I likes, except "An apple falls from the tree with a crash" part. The crash kindof ruins the night feeling pour moi.
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Post by Nature's Fury on Sept 22, 2003 0:48:30 GMT -5
I can understand about the rhyme part... Just bear in mind, if you will, this was a school assignment in the style of Andalusion poetry, so I did kinda have to follow a style... Most of my poems rhyme at least half the time.
And the apple... It was origionally "falls from the tree with a thunk" but... I just couldn't display it with the word "thunk" in it.
I'm very glad you all seem to like it, though.
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Post by Archagon on Sept 22, 2003 0:50:35 GMT -5
Hehe, thunk - poor Newton.
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Post by Nature's Fury on Sept 22, 2003 0:59:23 GMT -5
*laughs* Poor Newton indeed... although why he was in my backyard at night... well, Go apple tree!
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Post by AZERTY on Sept 22, 2003 18:39:37 GMT -5
you should charge a fee to see the apple tree that droppped the apple on Newtons head...
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