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Post by Archagon on Sept 21, 2003 23:42:55 GMT -5
Finds every day the morning sun The clouds above the mist. And silence, breaking into run Finds every day the morning sun.
The sunlight starts the day anew Forgetting last day's plight. The beams reflect the morning dew The sunlight starts the day anew.
And so we frolic and we play And we are young and free. There is no strife and no dismay And so we frolic and we play.
After a while, the nightfall comes. Our tea is warm to touch. The dish is filled with cookie crumbs... After a while, the nightfall comes.
We are still happy for a while Night opens up our minds. Our thoughts come out, we cease to smile We are still happy for a while.
The night is dark 'till daylight lives And thoughts still find our eyes. Old lives, old ghosts, tears don't forgive The night is dark 'till daylight lives.
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Post by AZERTY on Sept 21, 2003 23:46:42 GMT -5
good start... however I dont like the rhyme scheme... it leaves the second line hanging..... Also take out the "the" before nightfall, it makes the rythm better and it makes more sense... Other wise GOOD JOB!
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Post by Archagon on Sept 21, 2003 23:54:18 GMT -5
Hehe thanks.
I would have fine-tuned it, but you see the thing is I wrote it spontaneously just now so I didn't have time. Good points. However, I like my rhyme scene because I consider the second line a, well sort of a continuation of the first.
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Post by AZERTY on Sept 21, 2003 23:58:02 GMT -5
In that case then dont repeat the first line at the end, It makes it seem really weird and breaks the iameter
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Post by Archagon on Sept 21, 2003 23:58:49 GMT -5
But I like it that way!
Oh well, I s'pose I can't argue opinions...
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Post by AZERTY on Sept 22, 2003 0:01:08 GMT -5
Exactly
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Post by Nature's Fury on Sept 22, 2003 0:54:25 GMT -5
ooooooh! Tres Magnifique! (I'm sure I spelled that wrong) I Really like this. I think the rhyme scheme is fine, and I think reiterating the first line is great. It adds a feeling of... well, echo, or tremor, that makes the words seem to mean more than they did the first time. I am very impressed. I particularly enjoy this stanza: "And so we frolic and we play And we are young and free. There is no strife and no dismay And so we frolic and we play."
Not sure why, I just really like it.
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Post by Archagon on Sept 22, 2003 0:57:40 GMT -5
Thanks! Mean much to me, these comments do. I like that stanza too, and I can't tell why either. The only things my mind turns up is "fairytales" and "innoncence of childhood."
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Post by AZERTY on Sept 22, 2003 18:35:44 GMT -5
I still think that the repeat of the first line without a rhyme makes the whole poem sound sort of weird... If you made the second line of each stanza rhyme with the rest it might work better, but it just doesnt seem to work at the moment...
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