|
poetry
Jan 20, 2004 2:17:46 GMT -5
Post by Haku on Jan 20, 2004 2:17:46 GMT -5
~Sonnet Why pause to watch a pale yellow flower? Fraily and tenderly budding anew Reaching and searching for something that's true I knew that it was too late at this hour
Then skyward blooms a frightening shower Falling and falling in icy blue dew Few flowers now grow here, I surely knew The clouds overhead caused me to cower
But lo! The flower withstood the harsh rain I gasped and watched the budding resiliance And at that knowledge my heart quickly lurched
From growing I knew it shall 'nere refrain This bud in its pale and yellow brilliance Shall 'nere stop its questing, 'nere stop its search
~sinking Dark icy water Searching and thinking Becoming anxious and colder Oh! You are sinking, sinking
Reaching past the shadows Grasping for the light Struggling to find the shore Struggling to set things right
~ocean I pause and ponder near the sea Lo! that calm wave beckons me As salty wayer laps gently
See! that wash of rushing blue And the spritz of spray that flew Oh! it wakes my soul anew
Of the ocean I grow fonder Alas! I can stay no longer Breen mountains now call me to wander
|
|
|
poetry
Jan 20, 2004 15:07:30 GMT -5
Post by BlueDolphin on Jan 20, 2004 15:07:30 GMT -5
Nice Poetry. Better than mine I must say.
|
|
|
poetry
Jan 22, 2004 22:00:00 GMT -5
Post by AZERTY on Jan 22, 2004 22:00:00 GMT -5
personally I dont like the meter in the first poem. the poem doesnt flow because although each line is 10 syllables the stresses are not laid out in a manner which allows the pronounciation to flow. If you want to read good poetry read poe. He has great meter in his poems.
|
|
|
poetry
Jan 22, 2004 22:01:25 GMT -5
Post by AZERTY on Jan 22, 2004 22:01:25 GMT -5
in the second one remove the sinking... it also interferes with the meter. The third one is the best though. although short it is a good poem
|
|
|
poetry
Jan 23, 2004 21:34:48 GMT -5
Post by Haku on Jan 23, 2004 21:34:48 GMT -5
yah...I made a couple of those types of changes for my final drafts = )
thanks!
|
|
|
poetry
Jan 23, 2004 21:43:55 GMT -5
Post by Archagon on Jan 23, 2004 21:43:55 GMT -5
I like them. They are very pretty
|
|
|
poetry
Feb 1, 2004 15:06:18 GMT -5
Post by AZERTY on Feb 1, 2004 15:06:18 GMT -5
the second poem has too many words in it, you could take out a lot of them, like the second sinking, a the in line 5 and 6
and the last two lines, change to something like struggling to find and set things right
even though it doesnt make much sense, it greatly improves the meter....
|
|
|
poetry
Feb 1, 2004 20:14:43 GMT -5
Post by geneva on Feb 1, 2004 20:14:43 GMT -5
i disagree th sencond poem is fine as is. repetition is a great thing
|
|
|
poetry
Feb 3, 2004 22:24:33 GMT -5
Post by AZERTY on Feb 3, 2004 22:24:33 GMT -5
repetition might be good sometimes... but the poem doesnt come out right when it has a clumsy meter. It makes it harder to read....
|
|
|
poetry
Feb 4, 2004 0:06:37 GMT -5
Post by geneva on Feb 4, 2004 0:06:37 GMT -5
well you just suck.... i love it.
|
|
|
poetry
Feb 4, 2004 0:07:30 GMT -5
Post by AZERTY on Feb 4, 2004 0:07:30 GMT -5
well... thats all thats important anyhow...
|
|
|
poetry
Feb 4, 2004 0:11:48 GMT -5
Post by geneva on Feb 4, 2004 0:11:48 GMT -5
indeed
|
|
|
poetry
Feb 4, 2004 0:13:52 GMT -5
Post by AZERTY on Feb 4, 2004 0:13:52 GMT -5
wow... the manner in which you say that coupled with the glare in the picture by your name makes for some intimidating stuff....
|
|
|
poetry
Feb 4, 2004 0:15:04 GMT -5
Post by geneva on Feb 4, 2004 0:15:04 GMT -5
myuhahahaha! feel my wrathful glare!!!!!
|
|
|
poetry
Feb 4, 2004 0:18:03 GMT -5
Post by AZERTY on Feb 4, 2004 0:18:03 GMT -5
no... that tone doesnt match the picture... I think it would be cool, if everytime you posted, you took a picture of yourself in an interesting expression, and signed in as a guest using the picture.
|
|